When men talk about sex with other men, one question comes up again and again: top, bottom, or versatile?
Those three labels are useful when we are talking specifically about anal penetration. A top penetrates, a bottom receives, and a versatile person may enjoy both roles.
But all three options begin with an assumption: that anal penetration will be part of the encounter.
What if it is not?
Some men have fulfilling sex lives without considering anal penetration necessary, especially important, or even desirable. For some of them, one word describes that preference quite well: side.
Before going any further, one thing is worth making clear: this is not a polite way of saying “not having sex.”
It is another way of having it.
1. What does it mean to be a side?
Side is used by men who have sex with men who prefer sexual practices other than anal penetration, or who simply do not place anal sex at the center of their sexuality.
Sex therapist Joe Kort publicly popularized the term in 2013 for men who did not feel adequately represented by the categories of top and bottom. Later research has included men who identify as sides permanently as well as men who use the identity only occasionally.
That is why it is more useful not to treat side as a new sexual orientation. It can describe a sexual preference, a repertoire of practices, or, for some people, an identity related to how they prefer to have sex.
A side can be gay, bisexual, pansexual, demisexual, or use other labels to describe orientation and the way they experience attraction. Some of those labels can also coexist. Side answers a different question: what place does anal penetration have in my sexuality?
2. Does being a side mean never having anal sex?
For some people, yes.
They are not interested in penetrating or being penetrated.
For others, side is not an absolute prohibition. They may have tried anal sex, have it occasionally, or be open to it in certain circumstances while still not considering it central to their sex life.
That matters because sexual labels do not always function like contracts.
Knowing that someone is a side tells us something about their preferences. It does not reconstruct every sexual experience they have ever had or predict everything they will do in the future.
There is no need for a purity test to decide who is allowed to use the word.
3. So what do sides do?
Sex.
Kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, hands, toys, massage, body contact, erotic play, and many other practices can make up a complete sexual experience without becoming preparation for penetration later.
One of those practices is frot.
The question “if there is no penetration, what do you do?” is revealing because it shows how strongly penetration has been taught as a definition of sex.
For a side, those other practices do not have to be foreplay.
They can be the main event.
4. What is frot?
Frot — also called frotting — is used specifically for direct penis-to-penis rubbing, without penetration.
It can involve the hands, body movement, and different positions. What defines it is genital contact and friction between both participants.
But frot and side are not synonyms.
A top, bottom, or versatile person can enjoy frot. And a side may have no particular interest in it.
One word describes a specific sexual practice.
The other describes a broader relationship to penetration and to a preferred sexual repertoire.
5. Do frot, frotting, and frottage mean the same thing?
Not exactly.
Frot and frotting are commonly used more specifically for penis-to-penis rubbing.
Frottage is broader: it can refer to sexual rubbing of the body or genitals against another person's body without necessarily involving penis-to-penis contact.
You may also see more descriptive terms such as genital rubbing, genital-to-genital rubbing, or body rubbing.
Dry humping belongs to a similar family of practices, but it can be done through clothing and does not require direct genital contact.
There is also one term that needs to stay completely separate: frotteurism. In clinical language, it refers to non-consensual sexual rubbing. That is not what we are discussing here.
In this article, frot always means consensual sexual activity between adults.
6. Why can it feel good?
There is no need for a mysterious explanation.
The penis, and especially the glans, contains highly sensitive tissue. Contact, pressure, movement, warmth, and friction can stimulate both partners at the same time.
That simultaneity can be part of the appeal.
In frot there is not necessarily a clear division between the person who “does” and the person who “receives.” Both people can stimulate and be stimulated at once.
That makes it different from a strict top/bottom logic, even though people who use those labels can enjoy frot too.
7. Is frot safer sex?
It depends on which infection we are talking about.
For HIV, sexual contact without anal penetration generally carries far less risk than anal sex. The CDC describes sexual touching with hands or other body parts as extremely low to no risk for HIV, while noting a possible route of transmission if fluids capable of carrying HIV reach mucous membranes or damaged tissue.
Because frot can involve direct genital contact, genital fluids, and the urethral opening, I would not describe it as “zero risk” in every possible circumstance.
And lower HIV risk does not mean no STI risk.
Infections that can spread through direct skin or genital contact — such as herpes and HPV — can be transmitted without penetration. Different infections have different transmission routes, so there is no single number that can tell us “the risk of frot.”
The more accurate way to put it is:
avoiding anal penetration removes some risk scenarios, but genital-to-genital sexual contact is still sexual contact.
STI testing, vaccination when appropriate, and conversations with partners about sexual health therefore still matter.
8. Does lubricant help with frot?
Yes, especially when friction becomes excessive.
Part of the pleasure of frot comes from rubbing, but that does not mean more friction is always better. Genital skin can become irritated and can develop small tears.
Lubricant can make the contact smoother and more comfortable.
The same questions apply as with other sexual activities:
Water, silicone, or hybrid?
Are condoms involved?
Are there toys?
Do you have sensitivities to particular ingredients?
If you want to go deeper into those differences, see our practical guide to water-, silicone-, and hybrid lubricants.
9. Is sex without penetration “less complete”?
No.
But the assumption that it is helps explain why a word like side can be useful.
When we automatically ask “top, bottom, or versatile?”, we are not only asking about preference. We are also building the entire sexual conversation around penetration.
And when someone says none of those roles interests them, the next question often becomes:
“So what do you do?”
Oral sex is sex.
Mutual masturbation is sexual activity.
Frot is sex.
Toys can be part of sex.
None of those practices needs to end in penetration in order to become legitimate.
Penetration is a practice, not a graduation.
There is no lower level of sex that suddenly becomes “real sex” when someone penetrates someone else.
10. Why does having a word like side matter?
Because sometimes one word can save a long explanation.
Top, bottom, and versatile remain useful categories when people want to communicate preferences about anal sex.
Side adds another possibility:
anal penetration is not central to what I want sexually.
For one person, that may become an important identity. For another, it may simply be a convenient description. Someone else may not need a label at all.
The value of side is not that it creates a fourth box next to the other three.
It is that it reminds us those boxes never described everything men do together.
Maybe, then, instead of asking only:
Top, bottom, or versatile?
we can ask a much more useful question:
What do you like?
